 Jokes,
Stories, and Such...
The Newest Line of Supplements for 2004
ST. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were
as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously
low I.Q, causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly
effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and
reducing
money spent on make-up.
Menicillin - Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be
a better person...
can we get naked now?"
Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases
potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-One-all - When combined with Buyagra,
can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim
may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr.
Laura.
Jack Asspirin - Relieves headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to
be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with
total strangers.
Sexcedrin - More effective than Excedrin in treating the,
"Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife
the time and
trouble of doing it herself
And the best...
Damitol - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell
for up to 8 hours.
• • •
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.
• • •
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
• • •
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
• • •
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if
he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around
here until someone does?"
• • •
Three nuns were in the church the other day and the 1st nun
says, "I was going through the Father's office and do
you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in
Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch
of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns.
"What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.
• • •
A foreign gentleman walks into a pharmacy. "I'd like
a box of condoms please," he says.
The pharmacist replies, "That'll be 6 bucks plus tax"
"Tacks!!" the guy says, "In my country these
things stay on by themselves!"
• • •
A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature
ejaculation.
Diagnosis: The doctors said it was touch and go.
• • •
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
• • •
When is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
• • •
According to a recent study, sex on television can't hurt
you. . . unless you fall off.
• • •
After a few years of married life, an engineer finds he is
unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries
a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to
him "This is all in your mind." and refers him to
a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am
at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally
the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws
powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue
smoke. The witch doctor says "This is a powerful healing,
but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is
say "123" and it will rise as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when
it's over?" The witch doctor says "All you or your
partner has to say is "1234" and it will go down.
But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise
his wife with the good news. He is lying in bed with her and
says, "123," and suddenly he gets a huge erection.
His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123'
for?"
• • •
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions
her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't
told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this
to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband
and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There
are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't,"
she replied.
• • •
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
• • •
My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine.
• • •
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.
• • •
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex at all. - Rodney
Dangerfield
• • •
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well,
if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place,
we could fire the maid."
The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd
learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur, milk
man and the gardener."
• • •
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
• • •
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
• • •
Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the
person who makes all their decisions.
• • •
You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she
would have made sperm taste like chocolate.
• • •
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was,
and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never
yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first
place . . .
You either married it or gave birth to it.
• • •
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